Archive for February, 2012

That’s my new motto. Do what you can with what you have where you are. That’s my plan. Right now we have nothing. I don’t even know how we’re going to put gas in the tank to get Cody to work tomorrow. He has yet to get paid and won’t for a couple of weeks, but in the meantime we are paying SO much for gas JUST to get him back and forth to work. It’s so not worth it. I’m POSITIVE we are spending more in gas than he will be making. Today he had an interview at a place MUCH closer that pays almost $4 an hour more and it’s something he’s got experience in although not as much as they’d like I think. We are hoping and praying he gets that job. It would be so much better for our family! It would mean we would be able to afford gas, pay all our bills, buy diapers, etc. It may even mean getting an apartment of our own again! But that’s too big, I don’t dare dream about that yet. Right now I’m focusing on ways to bring in more money. It’s kind of hard when you’re due any day. Of course no one will hire me. I’m looking for odd jobs for either myself to do or for Cody. I’m really trying to grow my Scentsy business and get my name and contact info out there in the area but it’s not turning up any sales. I’m trying so so hard, I really am. I’m at my wit’s end tho. I can start applying for jobs once the baby is 6 to 8 weeks old of course, but it’s going to be hard-working around Cody’s swing shift because we only have one car. Idk. There are a lot of things to consider and it seems planning is pointless because life never goes according to plan, so it’s just a wait and see kind of thing. You would think Cody’s time in the Army would prepare me for that sort of hurry up and wait situation but it hasn’t. It never gets easier, not being in control, not being secure, not being on top, not knowing what is going to happen. uncertainty is kind of the worse part of everything we are going through. Not knowing the when where what how who why of things is really difficult for me. I wish I knew what all to do to help our little family get back on top, I really did. But here is what I do know:

1. It could be worse. So much worse. At least we are together.

2. I have to pray. I’ve been praying so hard and you better believe I won’t quit.

3. I have to trust that G-d is going to take care of us like he always does. I have to continue on in faith.

4. I have to keep going. We have to keep going. There is no giving up, quitting, surrendering. There is nothing like that. We can’t get through the storm if we just sit down when it starts raining, right?

5. Things will be better eventually. I sure wish I knew when eventually was. I wish I could mark it on a calendar and say “on this day, we will be over this. We will have gotten through, we will be back on top, we won’t have to be up all night worrying and panicking.” I wish I knew those sorts of things.

That’s all I know. I swear we will get through this all because we are determined to. We’re determined to eventually get back on our damn feet and take care of ourselves and our children 100%. Meanwhile I’m trying to make the best of everything and be positive. I’m so thankful for not the trials themselves that we’re being faced with, but for the lessons we are slowly but surly learning from them. We’re learning to appreciate the most basic things like seeing each other every day, being able to watch our son grow up, having a family who loves us, friends who support us, etc. We are learning the power of prayer and faith first hand. I’ll be the first to admit I am not very religious, or sure of religion, or anything like that, but I know there is a G-d. I know for a fact because there has been SO much lately that shouldn’t have worked out where we could for sure see his hand at work protecting us and providing for us. The only reason we’ve made it this far is because of Him. I hate relying on family but I don’t know what we would do without them. They don’t help us pay our bills but they sure as heck do feed us, shelter us, and give us love and support we can’t find anywhere else. We’re learning and experiencing so much and I am so glad that we are getting it out-of-the-way now! Now onto better things and better times! So yeah things suck right now. Yeah, we’re under a hell of a lot of pressure. But we will continue on. We will do what we can with what we have where we are till we can put ourselves in a better place and do more. I can’t wait till we are in a position to help others more. This has really been tough on me, accepting help, even in the simplest form. Even the smallest help has been hard because I like to rely on ourselves even when things are extremely tough. I LOVE helping and serving. I so wish I could be doing more to help others right now, to help myin-laws, to help my friends, to help strangers. I can’t wait till we are in that sort of position!


Things I want to do when we have our own place again:

Basically I want to do better, to do more, than I ever have before. I want to push myself to the limits because I’ve been without a place of our own to keep and it’s been terrible, so I want to make sure each day in our own place is amazing for my entire family and anyone who happens to come over, and of course, for me. =]

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I just wanted to share some of the thoughts I’ve had today. Some of it is from Facebook statuses I’ve written, other parts are just things I feel that I wanted to share. I will apologize ahead of time because the first part has some profanity in it. I try so hard not to use profanity but it really is a bad habit that has been so hard to even cut down on. I’m working on it tho. I do feel strongly that it expresses exactly how I was feeling at the time tho and so I’ve chosen not to edit it out.

It’s been three years of shit, hell, and regrets but you know what they say, regrets and mistakes, they’re just memories made! Each day is a chance to keep going, push through. And I have to believe that someday, somehow, things WILL be better than this because we are the kind of people who don’t give up. We may sure as hell want to give up, walk away, move on, cry, but we don’t. We push through. And somehow what we find is always worth what we go through to find it. Somehow those little spots of sunshine in the endless downpour of shit are just so full of happiness and warmth, they make it all worth it. I am so thankful to my husband for all he has done for me, given up for me, and gone through with me. Sure I put up with a lot of shit from him but that’s because he also puts up with shit from me and because when I said I would stand by him I sure as hell meant it. I’m so thankful he gave me my wonderful son, the brightest part of my world, and I am beyond anxiously awaiting the arrival of our next little love, be it a daughter or a son. We were never promised easy, we were promised worth it. And somehow the shit we go through makes me feel like each little ray of happiness we get, however brief or small, well kind of like we earned it, and that makes the good times SO much more worth it!

We are so very far from where we thought we would be, where we hoped to be, and where we want to be. Yet I can’t think of a better place to be than with Cody, Kaiden, and Slytherin, awaiting the newest member of our family. I know that G-d has not forsaken or forgotten about us and I know that he knows we are here and that we are relying on him. I am so grateful for this opportunity to relearn the power of prayer and faith that G-d is paying attention and takes care of his children. I’m not a super religious person but I know that we couldn’t have gotten through half the things we have without G-d providing and opening opportunities for us. He places people in our lives who are such help and provides us with lucky blessings small and big everywhere, it’s so impossible to deny that he obviously cares for us. I am also so thankful that we have the chance to learn things like the value of savings, the importance of sticking together, and much more. The situation might suck but the experiences and lessons we are learing from it are so invaluable. I cannot wait to be standing on the other side of this situation and I cannot wait until we are back on our feet and can help and serve others! To pass on even a fraction of the help we have been given, the love and care we have been shown, will make me so happy!

3rd anniversaries and doggy birthdays…

Posted: February 17, 2012 in Family

So today was a special day in the Cannon household. First off, it was mine and Cody’s 3rd anniversary! We have officially been married for three years! Secondly, it was our dog, Slytherin’s 1st birthday! When I went to look at puppies I looked at him and was on the fence. I wanted him but I just was not sure. Well the lady told me his birthday was Feb. 16th and I knew he was ours and was meant to be ours. As I look at him dose I am so happy we got him. He is a crazy mutt with so much energy and sometimes I seriously dislike the dang dog but I really do love him with all my heart. I can’t imagine us not having him!

We had a nice anniversary! It started out horribly, I’ve been having VERY intense, VERY painful false labor. Early this morning Cody and I realized that after a while of tracking my every contraction they had been 5 mins apart for 5 hours! I had been trying EVERYTHING, switching positions, walking, a labor ball, rocking in my MIL’s rocking chair, getting up and moving, laying down still, sitting, standing, leaning, a bath, hot shower, all sorts of stuff! And still it raged on. I won’t lie I knew it was false but still had a moment of panic. I called my doctor and headed in. Of course after we got through the canyon, which takes about 20 mins or so, I realized that if this was labor it would’ve gotten closer together or the contractions would’ve at least gotten longer. We decided to head home and try to get some rest because I knew I wouldn’t be able to rest in the hospital and that would probably just make the pain worse. I have to say my husband took great care of me. He was very careful to not complain about me keeping him up, he rubbed my back and stopped touching me when I yelled! I was able to get some sleep but kept waking up for contractions. Finally about 7 or 8 am I was able to get to sleep and stay asleep. When I woke up at 9 or 10 the contractions had stopped. In their place I was left very exhausted with a tender, sore belly, and baby kicks that felt like razor blades. I tried hard to take it easy the rest of the day but we had a lot to do! My dad sent us money to buy a rocker and I was able to purchase a nice used glider that is beautiful for less than half what I would’ve paid for a new one and we picked up some other things we really needed.

Now to the fun, exciting part! What we did for our anniversary! We weren’t planning on doing anything because money is still so tight right now. Cody just started a job and it pays a lot less than they originally told him and is pretty far away, like he uses a quarter of a tank of gas and sometimes more just getting back and forth to work EACH DAY. He won’t even receive a paycheck till the beginning of next month and savings is pretty non existant. I will say we are SO thankful that he has ANY job! This is a good job he actually likes, it’s just rough that it is so far away. The pay is better than nothing and I am grateful every day that he is willing to deal with swing shifts to provide for us! He really is working hard to provide and it makes me love him even more. =] I want to also take a second to stress that we are SO grateful to be able to be living with his parents in Utah. I do not know what we would have done or how we would’ve survived without their kindness. I don’t know how they put up with all the noise and commotion of our little crazy family with our silly mutt, ridiculous toddler, cranky pregnant lady, and Cody! We would literally be homeless right now if not for them and I don’t know how we will ever repay them for everything they have done and continue to do for us! So anyway because money is so tight we’d decided not to buy each other gifts this valentines day and anniversary, and to not do anything for them. Well we remembered this morning that for my birthday back in December Cody’s parents bought us two movie tickets! I will tell you I LOVE going to see movies in theaters. Seriously LOVE. I used to do it every week back in high school, sometimes more than once a week. It’s my favorite. Cody doesn’t care so much about movies but he doesn’t mind them. I have been wanting to see Journey 2 the Mysterious Island with the rock. It’s a sequel to Journey to the Center of the Earth! Which I loved! Cody’s mom and siblings were kind enough to watch Kaiden for us. He had a great time and I love that I really don’t worry about him while he’s with them. It’s so nice to have family whom I can trust with my child and who are willing to take him on since he can really be a challenge lately. Anyway we had a blast getting out of the house. We saw the movie and afterwards we played some pinball. Pinball was super fun and I totally kicked Cody’s tuchas! It was Tron themed and it felt like no time at all before we were headed home. I think we spent something like $10 or so on everything and it was so worth it. I haven’t just relaxed and had FUN with my husband, no bills, no stress, no kids, nothing, for a long long time and it really did both of us good.

Now that our anniversary is over I’m ready for this kiddo to come! I wanted to give birth on Valentine’s day or even the 15th but not the 16th! That’s a day I wanted to keep for ourselves. Well and Slytherin too! It feels good to be done with all the important things that come in Feb! I’m ready for March and the new baby it will bring. I cannot wait to meet this little one and share him or her with the world!

Thank you so much everyone for all your thoughts and prayers! We appreciate each and every one! I assure you we are being blessed in so many ways, big and small, by so many family members, friends, and G-d. I do not know how we have survived thus far except I know it’s mostly due to our great support system and our awesome G-d. We are so blessed to have what we have, to be together, and to have the kinds of friends and family we do. We don’t know what we would do without each and every one of you. We are trying to stay positive, although sometimes it’s much easier than others, and trying to do the best with what we have, where we have, and to the best we know how. We would love to continue to receive your prayers and positive thoughts! Thank you! Although things are tough we know they will get better and that they could be so much worse. We are working hard to do what we can to make the best of this entire situation and just keep on keeping on. ❤